I Choose To Worship

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David was a worshipper. David is my favorite worshipper. David and I have been buds for years. I have learned to cry out to a merciful God by using his example. I have learned to praise by his example. I have learned to worship through hardship by his example. Deeper intimacy with The Father always follows. I have learned vulnerability and transparency by his example. Deeper intimacy has always followed. I GET David! We are tight!
In 2 Samuel 12 David’s son was dying. He fasted. He prayed. He contended for healing for his son. He was a mess. He wouldn’t eat or allow others to pick him up off of the floor. His son died. When he found out he got up off of the floor, washed his face, put on some clean clothes and went to worship.
I’ve meditated on that scripture many times over the years. I got a glimpse of a deeper worship experience by David’s response after his son died. I SOOO get David! Today I understand him even more.
I am a worshipper. By all visible definitions of the word worshipper I just don’t fit the bill. Yet, I am a worshipper.
My 21 year old daughter had cancer. I cried out for her to be healed. I fasted and prayed for her healing. There were times that others could not pick me up off of the floor. The last time was just days ago, the day that she died. I lay across the body that she left and wailed in agonizing grief at her departure. It’s possible that I am not as courageous or as good of a worshipper as David was but I don’t really think it’s up for comparison. I am still a worshipper. I’ll worship through this hardship and deeper intimacy will come. In the infancy of this habit of worship it was a faith filled discipline. Now it is simply a habit motivated by what is to come, simply knowing that He is worthy. I fully expect deeper intimacy to follow. I have no question.
Not one inkling of God’s sovereignty shifted when David’s son died or when my daughter died. His worthiness to be worshipped did not change one iota. He’s worthy of worship. He’s worthy of praise. He’s worthy of adoration. David had experienced His sovereignty, His mercy, His deliverance, His love, His friendship on so many other occasions that he didn’t have to stop and ask himself if he should go worship. He simply went and worshipped. That is where I am at. David had his own experiences and reasons. I have mine. I will share some of them.
Just over a decade ago I was driving down the road. I was singing a worship song at the top of my lungs. Here is a snapshot of the worshipper that I am: I can’t hold a tune, I don’t remember words to songs…EVER, when I dance I break things because grace is not a part of any movement I make, except occasionally on the tennis or volleyball court, on a good day. I was singing very loudly in the car but, as usual, I got the words and syllables mixed up and what came out of my mouth was speaking how awesome I was and that I was worthy of praise. When I realized what I had said I quickly clasped one hand over my mouth and was horrified. I was in mid-repentance mode when, in my spirit, I heard The Father let out the biggest belly laugh and I saw Him throw his head back and grab His belly while it shook with laughter. After hearing several seconds of laughter he said, “You make me laugh! I love how quirky you are.” I burst into tears and had to pull the car over. Just the thought of provoking my Heavenly Father, the God of the universe, to a deep belly laugh moved me more than I can say. The thought of
Him enjoying me changed me….FOREVER! The thought that I could surprise Him with my goofiness, enough to cause Him to interact with me in this manner changed me FOREVER. Every interaction that I have with Him changes me FOREVER. I was so deeply touched to get a glimpse of The Father’s heart toward me… toward us. He adores us! It is much too easy to think that He is a harsh, mean, punishing God than it is to accept His unconditional love and be transformed by it. There I was, mid-repentance and He was simply delighted in who I am, including my clumsiness. He was celebrating and so delighted with my awkward, un-professional, un-Hill Song attempt at adoring Him. That would be similar to me leaning over to kiss my husband, tripping mid-kiss and bashing our faces together. (Don’t laugh – that happens to everyone… right?) It seemed as though I ruined a beautiful, intimate moment but it only increased when I was just me, in all of my blundering glory. I was forever changed because He loves me enough to show me, tell me, right in the midst of me being me… so very clumsy and un-practiced and raw in my moments of adoring Him. Worship only increased. Adoration erupted from me and I was immersed in His presence. We think He wants perfection when He just wants us, just as we are, to approach a throne room so filled with grace that all desire for anything else disappears, all depravity disintegrates. We think that we have to work and work and work to worship, to get rid of our sin but He already did that. It’s done! Sitting at His feet… That’s where the party’s at! (Quietly stepping off of soap box)
I could share dozens and dozens of similar experiences that I have had with my Abba but I have two other points to make.
Mike and I have prayed for every one of our children to develop and grow in their relationship with Our Lord and Savior. We have prayed that every one of them and our grandchildren would spend eternity with our Savior. We aren’t ones to pray for them to just step inside the gate for safe keeping. We don’t pray for their butts to be greased so when the door slams shut they will slide right in. I pray for Davidic hearts. I pray for passionate hearts running hard after Him, slaying giants along the way. I’ll be honest, more often than not I feel very inadequate in my prayer life but the God that I serve is so very generous. I am learning that it is much more about His generosity than my works. All of that to say; I have been giddy with joy that this prayer has been generously answered. Katelyn did not just slip in under the wire. She lived passionately for our Lord. She lived loving others and sharing what she knew of Him. This answered prayer presses me into a deeper intimacy with my Abba.
Secondly, I have prayed that my children would experience a greater intimacy with the Father than I have known. I am saturated with a childish joy that my daughter is witnessing so much more. My heart is full and overflowing. I don’t know what heaven will be like, other than gold so pure that it is clear and other descriptions given in Scripture. I have to say, as a woman that doesn’t place much value in jewelry, gems or precious metals, the whole gold thing just doesn’t speak to me. Sure, if I had some here on earth I could exchange it for some awesome things but in heaven I don’t think that is what I will have my eyes on. I will have my eyes set as flint on the most beautiful thing I have and will ever witness, the eyes of the one that loves me because I am quirky, the one that I make laugh, the one that I sing incomplete and politically and spiritually incorrect songs to and He just soaks them in because He loves my adoring voice. He loves me! I make Him belly laugh! If you ever heard me sing you would gain a whole new understanding of His unconditional love.
Katelyn is no longer gasping for air but she is breathing in the presence and aroma of The One Who Adores Her. There is no greater joy. She transitioned from misery to glory but this is so much less about the lack of suffering than it is about the presence of pure joy, being in the presence of the King of Kings. My greatest prayer has been answered, that my child may experience the presence of my loving God even more than I. I am overwhelmed with His goodness.
I have laughed more than I have cried since Katelyn died. That is going to make some people uncomfortable. I am okay with that. Sometimes discomfort is just what we need ! Katelyn would be ecstatic to know of this truth. She loved to laugh and make people laugh. She was one of the funniest people I have ever known. She had this purity about her, this amazing integrity that I considered pure gold. Even when she was young and was in trouble for something, I would ask her if she did “such and such”. She would proudly say, “Yes, I did” without shame. Quite often she was not sorry. Many, many times her response shifted my belief system, altering wrong beliefs that bound me for years. Her conviction swayed me. Her integrity softened me. Her purity wooed me. Her joy infused anyone near her. How can you raise a child to be integral then that child teaches you a new meaning of the word? She was a beautiful gift from my Abba.
Just after Katelyn released her last breath we could see glory on her face. That is the only way to describe what I saw. I actually looked up at the ceiling to see if someone had turned a spotlight on her face. There was no spot light. I have witnessed a new definition of peace. It was written on her face that day. She had to have been looking into His eyes. I cannot contain the joy that bubbles out of me since that day. She was beautiful. It was beautiful.
I have only had relationship with The Father for about 42 short years and my worshipping days are in their infancy of just over 32 years. I truly am just an amateur and look forward to greater revelation. I look forward to each opportunity I have to praise a God that knows me and still adores me.
I have yet to dance naked on my rooftop. Watch out neighbors!!!

Good Bye for Now! I Will See You Soon!

Good Bye for Now! I Will See You Soon!

4 thoughts on “I Choose To Worship

  1. I wanted to tell how personally your description of the “Father’s belly laugh” effected me, from, I Choose to Worship. It really helped me take a step back & not take myself so seriously. I’m glad for your new blog because it reminded me again. This blog, A Fierce Warrior, is timely for me too, probably for everyone, but I need that extra courage. Thank you for Truth from your blogs, I need Truth! I hope this finds you well.

    Love, Deborah

  2. Deb,
    You have no idea how timely your comment is. I sit here at 3:00AM in the middle of a fierce battle and you reminded of my courage, which is a gift from the Father. I love you and thank you.

  3. Praise God! I love you Cindy. You are near & dear to my heart. AND I am praying for you even right now. Let His peace rise up in you. His loving arms are all around you, covering you like a warm snuggly blankey. He is so pleased with you. Jesus loves you!

  4. Cindy,you’ve helped me to see what I will not allow myself to see.
    I believe I have my father Works through you to help others,as myself..
    I believe your face is strong ,stronger than mine. I ask you to please pray for Sampson’s mother Nickole,and to keep my son safe..
    thank you ,Tony W

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